A Poem of Woe from the World’s Most Useless NPC

*Day 50 since the release of the Horror game called ‘The Last Road Trip’. The poem is written from the point of view of a Hitchhiker NPC that tries to catch a ride from the main player, only to be driven past every single time.*

"Dear Diary,

My life sucks, and that’s my professional opinion,

I’m ticked off at my fate, ignored like a slimy reptilian.

I’m handsome and well-groomed, a literal Rapunzel in need,

So why do you drive by, like Prince Charming’s got cold feet?

If only you’d stop, I’d tell you the truth,

That your real enemy is ahead, dressed as a cop in Blue.

He’d earn your trust, and then escort you for a while,

Only to lead you into a ravine, where you will not return alive.

Yet you speed up when you see me,

Terrified that I am your enemy,

If only you knew where I wished to be dropped,

It’s so silly you’d think that I was the antagonist of this plot.

It all started with a sink of dirty dishes,

Until it moved on to the million ways I disappoint my Missus.

We fought, we argued, but I came out as the Winner,

And now I’m out on the streets while my wife eats what’s left of my dinner.

For miles I wandered, looking for the nearest Hotel,

Until I reached an intersection in the road, opposite a Brothel.

I closed my eyes and ran as fast as I could away,

For if my wife found out, she’d break more than a few dirty plates.

Walking as far as I could without directions,

I figured out a plan to get back home without affliction,

I’d find the nearest hospital around and get admitted on a fake injury, When the doctors call my wife, she’s bound to have sympathy!

So there I was, driven on a mission,

To reclaim the house that I’d lost over a silly discussion.

Until I heard the sound of a police car driving by,

It was sweet of him to stop and offer me a ride.

While in his car, my gaze fell on a shotgun on his lap,

Noticing this, the policeman smiled and told me about his plan.

He planned to befriend a traveller who was to come along the road,

Trick him into following him, like a prisoner on Death Row.

Into a ravine will he lead this lamb to a bloody Slaughter,

And then go home to use the same mouth to go and kiss his daughter.

Sickened by this, I knew I had to escape this scheming Toad in haste,

And so I emptied my bladder on the seat, shocking this murderer in his place.

He screamed at me, calling me names that I hadn’t heard before,

Even my wife would be impressed at the way he angrily swore.

He threw me out of his car, an act that felt like a deja vu,

But once again, recent events had trained me for this too.

And so I stood on that road, looking for you, my friend,

Trying to warn you of the danger you face a little up ahead.

I must admit I did not help by urinating in his car,

My wife always said that I take things too far.

Please stop your car and hear me out, for your life is in danger,

For what lies ahead is a man in a smelly car, looking to kill a stranger.

But so you pass each time, doomed to a bitter end,

By avoiding me you restart this story all over again.

So that’s the tale of how I am cursed to live out this pathetic loop,

Kicked out by my wife and a murderer, until I have no roof.

I tried every way to stop your car, but each time you quicken your pace,

I can’t believe you’d be so scared of a hitchhiker with a dirty face.

It took me a while to learn that I was created to lose,

A mere distraction to trick you into heading into your noose.

Whatever I do will never be enough (Or so my wife has decreed),

So hear my bitter poem of woe, from the World’s most useless NPC."