If Thoughts Could Speak

Product Testimonial Diary #7

Week 1 - First Words

Hey! My name’s Jared. I'm 24 and have been mute for nearly all of my adult life. I intend to write this rather lengthy product testimonial for a product that could change the way that I experience life. Having been requested to maintain a candid and honest diary of my experience testing the device for future reference, consider the following entries to be my unbiased opinions about my experience.

Yesterday, I had the Appelesco Transcriber surgically implanted into my brain. The implantation surgery went well, without any complications and was completely painless. For those of you unfamiliar with the product, let me give you a brief idea about it.

2 years ago, I heard about this company called Appelesco, which had a product in the works that could potentially change the way people interact on a scale that has never been seen before. The ‘Transcriber’ was a tiny brain-computer interface or BCIs, that interfaces between the brain and a computer. Older prototypes of it could read electrical signals in the brain and translate those signals via an algorithm into computer actions like moving a cursor or typing, while the newer ones can translate it directly into speech through a tiny, wearable mounted speaker. The science behind it is quite complex, but after having been tested successfully on 6 human volunteers so far, the results have been outstanding and have exceeded expectations.

I suppose the idea of a device that could transcribe my thoughts into speech in real time appealed greatly to a man who spends most of his time in his own head. ‘The Introvert Translator’; they called it. The perfect tool for a man or woman who has much to express but lacks the verbal means of expression, useful to the mute and the able. After signing up on their website for a medical evaluation, I passed with flying colours, being described as the ideal candidate because of my disability. After signing several legal NDAs and waivers, I finally was given a surgery date within a month.

After the Anesthetic wore off, I remember seeing my parents nervously standing by my hospital bedside, next to two smiling doctors, who reported that the surgery was a success, which was not a big surprise given the extensive expertise of the neurosurgeons and technical engineers who were all involved in the procedure. They asked me if I wanted to turn on the device and speaker, which scared me a little, in all honesty. It’s a terrifying thing to finally hear what I wanted to say finally being said out loud.

A little context should be added here. The transcribed voice that plays on the speaker is customised according to how you may have sounded. For this to make sense to you, you must understand that whilst I am not capable of producing coherent words, I can produce sounds and noises from my throat. My vocal profile is built after an extensive scan of my vocal chords and inner throat structure and shape, crafting a near-perfect composition of how I could have sounded if I were capable of speaking

When it was turned on, I thought that I would feel something in my head, but quite frankly, I noticed no such sensation or feeling. The tiny speaker on the other hand burst into life, like a tiny megaphone, yelling out my first words like a whisper that has been held in for years or a thought that has finally clawed its way into reality;

“IS THIS THING ON? WHY AM I SHOUTING? WHY DO I SOUND SO WEIRD? YUCK, IS THIS MY VOICE? IS THERE A VOLUME TOGGLE ON THIS THING? STOP SCREAMING OUT MY THOUGHTS! CAN SOMEONE TURN THIS OFF? IS THERE A FILTER ON THIS THING? LIKE A PROFANITY FILTER? SHIT. DAMN, I CAN SWEAR! HEY MOM, WATCH THIS - FUC---”.

A volume toggle and a profanity filter were promised to be added in the next firmware update, after the doctor finished wrestling the speaker remote back from my embarrassed mom, who had mashed the mute button, sending me right back into my default state.

Week 2 - Words with Friends

It’s amazing how unnatural it feels to hear myself speak. I don’t think I have or will get over the miracle of what transpired last week.

I would like to take this moment to commend my assigned technicians for the ingenuity which they have displayed over the past week, in accommodating all my suggestions and little requests to the device software.

The Transcriber implant, you see, is like a miniaturised computer. It can be programmed and reprogrammed, with endless commands. Its processing capabilities are incredibly advanced and power efficient, and can theoretically operate for up to 8 hours per day before automatically shutting down for power conservation, until the next day. The inbuilt nano battery unit can last for up to a year before needing to be replaced, in another painless and quick procedure.

And because the implant can wirelessly send and receive data, the technicians assigned to me can code any number of commands into the Transcriber app on my phone. Firstly, I needed to ditch the remote in favour of a virtual remote on the App itself, after an unfortunate incident where I lost the physical remote, while the speaker was turned on, which had my thoughts on public display at my workplace, as I frantically searched for the remote while the speaker blared out with -

“WHERE IS THAT DAMN REMOTE? I HAVE TO PEE.... PEE... PEE...PEE... OHH THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BATMAN THEME SONG.. WHERE IS THAT REMOTE? I AM SO EMBARRASSED... HELP... STOP STARING AT ME LADY. YEAH YOU, THE FAT ONE. SORRY. DID NOT MEAN TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD. BIG-BONED? I WANT TO PEE. STOP. YES! THERE IT I---“.

After handing in my resignation (which I hated anyway), I requested my technicians to build a virtual remote instead, as I am less likely to lose my phone, which they quickly built into the App within 2 days, along with the requested volume toggle and profanity filter (which basically emits a beeping sound in place of the profane word)

I must also mention that I have been seeing a behavioural counsellor who has been walking me through some measures I can take to slow down and calm my mind enough to deliver my thoughts in a way that is publicly acceptable, although I have been informed that as of now, the technology needed to subjectively evaluate which thoughts I want to share and which I wish to keep hidden does not exist. My best bet is to turn on the speaker whenever I would like to convey something and turn it off immediately before intrusive or ‘impolite’ thoughts come out, which makes sense because I have no way to control my thoughts.

Perhaps the greatest gift of those who are able to speak is choosing when not to or choosing which thoughts to hide away. But I know my options. This is the only way I can be heard, even if I can’t filter what I say.

The greatest moment of week 2 was having a conversation with my best friends and watching them laugh at a joke I fumbled while delivering it. How much more precious is the sound of their laughter knowing that I am the reason for it!

Week 2 has been wonderful so far, although I have only been able to use the device for a few hours.

Week 3 - The Learning Curve

On a side note, I am truly grateful that I am the 7th test volunteer of this device and not any of the first 6. After reading the journals of the first 6 (provided to all volunteering subjects prior to the surgical procedure in full disclosure), I would like to share a few hilarious stories with you.

When the first prototype of this device was implanted in subject one, it did not come with a remote, which, as one could imagine, ended in complete chaos. After Volunteer 1 woke up post-surgery, the post-op suite was apparently filled with the loud screams of the poor man’s thoughts that sounded like this -

“WHY AM I NAKED? WHO IS SHE? THAT ONE, THE DOCTOR OVER THERE. I DO NOT KNOW HER. DO YOU? WAIT, WHO ARE YOU? YOU AREN’T THE DOCTORS I MET EARLIER. WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM? ARE THEY DEAD? AM I DEAD? IS THIS A NIGHTMARE? OH LORD JESUS, PLEASE COME BACK SOON, EVERYONE CAN HEAR ME. PLEASE, STOP. THEY WILL KNOW I AM FAT. WAIT, WHY DID I SAY THAT? NOW THEY KNOW THAT I HATE BEING FAT. STOP LOOKING AT ME!! I QUIT, YOU HEARD ME? OUTRAGEOUS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY TELL MY WIFE. I MUST NOT THINK ABOUT THE AFFAIR. SHIT, SHE’S RIGHT THERE. THINK LOYAL THOUGHTS. WAIT, HONEY, I CAN EXPLAIN, DID I SAY AFFAIR? YES, I DID. NO, YOU FOOL, SHE CANNOT KNOW THAT. WAIT, COME BACK. MARGARET, IT WAS PURELY PHYSICAL. OH GOD, SHUT UP YOU IDIOT. IS THAT GAS? DAMMIT THAT WAS LOUD, PLEASE KILL ME ALREADY.”

You get the gist of it. Shortly after the patient was put under and the device removed, the poor man was faced with a divorce lawsuit and 6 months of therapy provided free by Appelesco in lieu of the poor man’s plight.

Volunteer 2’s implant came with a remote with a mute button, however, in the first week of her trying to use the device, there were significant signal drops, leaving the poor woman with incomplete sentences, which can be a major problem if you have taken up a new job as a news anchor in light of your recently granted ability to speak. Halfway through the weather update (which I will admit she announced with great coherence and poise) the device hung and stuttered out words in the following order -

“Today’s forecast seems to be poor... poor... poo”.

Although the broadcast cut immediately, citing technical difficulties, some Gen Z viewer managed to record her blunder and made a looped song reel around it, titled ‘The Forecast Song’ which became a hit on social media and TikTok and even made its way into Apple Music in the ‘What’s Popular’ section for a week, until it was taken down by a cease and desist order filed by the enraged and deeply agonised woman, who had her transplant taken out the same week as the song was from the top charts.

Volunteer 3 through 5 simply went through with the procedure, but opted out once they realised how invasive it was to have their thoughts broadcasted without filters, complaining about the extreme social mockery and alienation they went through because of the device.

Volunteer 6, although technically a success story, had their implant removed due to being caught while attempting to commit a crime with it. The masked volunteer (weeks after the operation) apparently walked into a jewellery store with a fake gun, hoping to rob the shelves and make a run for it before the guards realised that his gun was a fake. His attempt was thwarted, however, by his failure to realise that the speaker was on and his remote was at home, leading to an unfortunate series of events; the transcript of which was as follows -

“I WONDER IF THEY KNOW THAT I PLAN TO ROB THIS STORE? DAMMIT, THEY CAN HEAR ME. OKAY, DON’T PANIC, IMPROVISE. EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UP. I HAVE A GUN AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO USE IT. OHH MY, THAT GUARD LOOKS STRONG. HOW MUCH DOES HE BENCH? DAMMIT, HE IS LOOKING AT ME..... UHH.. I MEAN, STAY BACK OR I WILL SHOOT YOUR FACE. DAMMIT FREDRICK, WHERE IS THAT DAMN REMOTE? WAIT, WHY DID I SAY MY NAME? NOW THEY KNOW WHO I AM. IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT. AT LEAST THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE GUN. OHHH.... I MEAN.... THAT IT IS LETHAL AND DANGEROUS AND FULLY CAPABLE OF KILLING ALL OF YOU, YES EVEN YOU, SHE-HULK. SORRY, YOU LOOK A LOT LIKE HER. OHH SHIT. I WISH I HAD A REAL GUN, THE GUARD IS MOVING FOR THE DOOR. UHHHHH, I DO HAVE A REAL GUN HAHA, WAVE IT AROUND YOU IDIOT. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DOCTOR. TAKE A DIPLOMA IN ACTING THEY SAID. FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND MONEY WILL FOLLOW THEY SAID. NOW I AM ROBBING A STORE WITH A TOY GUN AND  ....WAIT, NO NO, STAY BACK, I WILL SHOOT, OPMMH---“.

Shortly after Volunteer 6 was tackled to the floor by the store guards, he swore in hatred, promising to leave a scathing testimonial of the Transcriber implant, which was easily suppressed by a legal warning of more jail time if he published any review on the same, since he broke the terms of implant usage agreement by committing a crime while using the device. The implant was later removed and a thorough criminal background investigation became a part of the implant vetting process along with the medical evaluation.

Since the implant version of Volunteer 6, there have been several changes and iterations made to the device to ensure that my model would be the best version of their device yet, and so far, it has.

The app works wonderfully and I have gotten used to switching the speaker on and off to convey whatever I need to, which still feels like such a strange and eery experience of my thoughts being made into speech without ever having to use my own mouth. The voice feels both disembodied and yet so personal, reflecting every passing thought that goes through my head, without any filter.

How strange and yet familiar? To hear my own thoughts being spoken by a tiny little speaker as if we both share the same mind. I have come to learn that the speaker needs to be kept within 3 meters of myself, otherwise it does not pick up the incoming signals from the implant, which I have obviously used in jest quite often, by placing the speaker under my dad’s bed or mom’s closet and pretending to be God trying to reach them about their extended warranties.

Upon my mother’s request, the implant signal has been reduced to a maximum radius of 1 meter around me, forcing me to give up ‘distance talking’ as a viable option and having to keep the speaker on my person at all times.

Week 3 - The Different Voices of Jared

God bless the wonders of modern technology.

Appelesco, the company that keeps on giving, has updated its App with the option to change the default voice to a variety of other accents and vocal profiles, including several female vocal variations.

You can probably imagine the absolute mayhem I wreaked during the course of the week, by hiding in a men’s toilet stall in malls, switching to a female voice profile and loudly announcing that I find the men’s loo far more convenient than the women’s one, which would be followed by the sounds of zips frantically being zipped and footsteps thundering across the floor to the exit, followed by the cautious sound of someone approaching saying “Ma’am this is the men’s bathroom”. Oh to relive those moments of coming out of the stall, and saying “Thank you!” in that female vocal tone and walk away, leaving behind a stunner janitor, wondering what the heck the world is coming to these days.

But all jokes apart, these little games are merely humorous distractions from the rather challenging process of acclimatising to this process of being able to speak. If I am being honest, being able to communicate by sign language and writing has been all I have ever known. There is no self-pity or hurt about this. I accepted this as one would accept being born black or white, or being born in Asia or in Australia. And with this acceptance came the resourcefulness of finding other methods to convey what I wanted to say clearly, with the drive of a man who knew that he had no other option.

But three weeks ago, everything I knew changed. All of a sudden, with the gift of being able to speak, I began to nurse a sense of self-pity about how long I have struggled without this amazing gift. To say thank you, how are you, sorry, or even I love you carries weight now. Words have become heavier, carrying the weight of deep gratitude and unhinged joy.

I agree that it has taken a deep level of adjustment to get used to the feeling of saying whatever I am thinking whenever I am thinking of it, and three weeks to get used to the shame of being too vulnerable and real with anyone in my presence, but I will admit, it’s refreshing. Somehow being completely vulnerable and entirely honest feels like I am finally free of any and all pretences. I cannot be blamed by those who face the brunt of my brutal honesty, because it is out of my control, and this freedom of expression is the first time I have ever felt free as a man. Tact and discernment while sharing my thoughts have robbed me of honest expression prior to the implant. Sign language and writing are not that different from speaking, you see? All three involve filters and masks. Neither of the three is truly an authentic representation of what we feel, but rather what we want others to think we feel.

I do however find myself muting the speaker a lot, due to the fact that thoughts travel at a faster pace than words. If we spoke nearly as much as we thought, then there would be no pauses in conversations and no room to appreciate periods of silence, for even that would be expressed in spoken words if your thoughts could speak too.

On an unrelated note, I also have the option to import a vocal profile of my own choosing. This week, I will sound like King Julian from Madagascar and I am going to make many people move it, move it.

Week 4 - First Date

Let me clarify something; I have been on dates before. It is just that I have never spoken on one.

To emphasise on how huge a deal this is for me, allow me to introduce the ‘outspoken (or newly-spoken) man’s bucket list’. In short, prior to the implant procedure, I made a huge list of all the things I would like to do if the procedure went well and I could speak. Here are some of the things I have crossed off already as well as what I have left -

1. Say the sentence ’the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ really fast

2. Tell my family ‘I love them’

3. Tell my friend what I really think (Easy Money) of his cooking skills

4. Apologise to my friend

5. Call for my dog and see if it comes to me

6. See how my voice sounds as an echo (Stairwell)

7. See how singing sounds like

8. Hide the speaker in random places and scare people

9. Go to a football match and cheer out loud

10. Go on a date and try not to mute the speaker as much (Say what I really mean - Ultimate litmus test for the one)

11. Go to a children’s hospital, put the speaker inside a toy and make children laugh (magic as well maybe?)

12. Pray to God out loud

So there it is.

Onto the matter of the date itself, I decided to ask this girl from my church out for a dinner. I confess that I always liked her, but was always scared about her feeling bad for me because of my disability, hence I never approached her. I suppose she always thought I was the silent type, which is certainly the understatement of the year.

Anyway, I sent her a text and waited patiently. And by evening, she replied. We were on! Having coordinated with my counsellor and technicians, I was able to test the device and app for any potential bugs or issues before the date, and submitted my self-attested report for week 4 by Friday afternoon, leaving my evening free for the big night.

Here is a summary of how the conversation went (Note: At the end of my sentences, I would hit the mute button to give her time to respond. She knew about the procedure and device because I told her)

Jess - “Hi Jared! It was so good to hear from you!” (Gives me a big hug) Me - “Hello Jessica. I hope she does not think I am weird. I mean, hi, good to hear from you too” (She smiles at me, while my cheeks turn a bright shade of red) Jess - “You know, when you first explained what you had gone through and how the device works, I admit that I was a little taken aback, I did not even know that such a device even existed. But now that I hear you actually speak, it feels so real.... Except for the fact that your mouth isn’t moving of course” Me (feeling a little relieved) - “Yeah, a regular Inspector Gadget I am! Ughhh stop trying to be funny. NO NO, not you, I meant me. I mean, thanks! Yes it is amazing. You look amazing. I mean, beep, I am going to shut up now” (She giggles quite a bit, as we are taken to an empty table by the waiter) Jess - “You know, just to make you smile, this is actually one of the best dates I think I could ever be on. No, I mean it! To have someone be honest with me? So real with me? I don’t think any of my girlfriends have ever had a date so interesting. So please Jared, don’t worry about what you say. Or think I guess? (She gives me a cute little smile) Me - “Okay, whew, why is she lying to me? No no, I don’t mean that, I just can’t believe anyone really wants to hear EXACTLY what I think. Let’s order some food. Good distraction. Beep Beep Soup Jess?” (Now giggling really hard, Jess orders a starter and a steak. I order the same and add a few more beeps) Me - “Okay, full disclosure, I am scared. Terrified, you mean. ‘I mean’ scared of making you think I am a bumbling mess. I want to mute, so bad, but I also want to talk. Why did you want to meet me when I texted you? IS IT PITY? Ignore the last part” Jess - “Jared, I always thought that you were cute and that you seemed nice. I mean it. I was kind of waiting for you to text me first but you never really did approach me. Hence when you did, and explained what you went through, it really intrigued me and I totally have been looking forward to today.” Me - “You thought I was cute? Yowza! Wait till she hears what I think. I mean, thanks! You look nice too. Hot I mean. Shut up. Me, not you. Now she thinks I am creepy. Beep.

That’s all I am going to share with you. Jess was a real sweetheart and was very accommodating and understanding with my brutal and complete honesty for the rest of the date. There were many stuff shared that I wish I kept inside, especially when the bill came and I forgot to mute my speaker and ended up letting her know “*BEEP* I CAN’T AFFORD THIS. SHE BETTER NOT EXPECT ME TO PAY. I mean....”.

When Appelesco asked me to maintain a candid product testimonial journal for the Transcriber, sparing no details, even if includes harsh criticism, I will admit that I genuinely felt that there was nothing I could ever have to complain about the gift of having my voice back. But as good a gift as speaking is, how much greater was my gift of being able to maintain the privacy of my own thoughts? Have I placed too high a price on verbal expression?

There are things no man needs or has to share. Things that are best kept inside. And if a mute option is all that stops me from oversharing something private, a part of me wonders whether life before the device was truly ever so insufferable so as to justify living like this.

Perhaps if speaking reveals all, then I would rather not speak at all.

Week 5 - Second Thoughts (Blurted Out)

I spent 3 hours with my counsellor today. Not for a product user experience debrief but to process what happened this afternoon.

I really hurt my father.

I did not mean to, but I couldn’t resist it. After all, complete honesty has slowly become a potent weapon of destruction, when truly unburdened by the leashes of tact and self-control.

He said something that got me angry and without thinking, I simply unmuted my speaker and said some of the most unkind and cruel things a son could say to a father. I will not repeat what I said here. He will read this product testimonial at some point and I refuse to hurt him twice.

Another major incident that really affected me was Jess blocking me at the start of the week. I can’t blame her. I would block me too if I were her and heard what I said. Turns out that when you combine unrestrained honesty with feelings of sexual curiosity, you get an honest man sharing the deeper cravings of a lustful appetite that is best satisfied in the arms of a loving wife of many years than with a date with whom such a relationship would be far too premature at the stage we were in. I will not repeat what I said to her either. She deserves better.

In all honesty (as if I had a choice), at this point, I am starting to fully experience the social isolation and judgement that comes with saying what I really mean. My closest friends formed a new circle without me owing to the fact that friendships are built on some level of conversational tact and self-control; things which I only offer as a mute or on mute. It’s poetically ironic that I can finally speak, and yet I lost all who ever wanted to listen to me. My parents have decided to have dinner alone, which makes sense because no mother would want to sit next to a son whose thoughts constantly complain about how boring or bland her food is. No company wants to hire me as I make every interviewer I have sat in front of VERY uncomfortable or angry.

I’m losing my grip on my confidence. This cannot go on. I did promise to endure the trial period of 24 weeks as long as far as my resilience could stretch, but I CRAVE being silent again. I crave watching and studying people and taking time to answer people’s questions slowly and strategically.

I’ve gone on longer than any of the test subjects before me, but this is the end of the road for me.

Week 6 - Hello Silence, my Old Friend

To Volunteer 8 and every volunteer after, this device is beyond its years. Appelesco did everything right. They tried so hard and looked after me so well. I promise you, if you try the Transcriber, you will never be the same, this I can swear. For 6 incredible weeks in my entire life of 24 years on this earth, I was able to speak and life was all the more beautiful. But I cannot lose anyone else. So for this reason, my time of being able to speak must come to an end.

They took out the device yesterday. I felt no pain once again and in a matter of a few hours, I was back on my feet, finally able to trust my mind again. I can speak now, just not with words.

But my story does not end with tragedy.

Jess came to see me when I was in post-op recovery, saying that she may have overreacted to what I said. If the Transcriber was still in my brain, she’d know that my heart beat a thousand times faster when she walked in and that her nervous, apologetic smile was enough to make me fall in love with her, head over heels.

But she does not know that, nor can she see the dozens of thoughts flying through my head, as I picture what a future with her would look like. She will eventually, but not now. Now, I want to just smile at her and thank God that my thoughts would never speak again.

From a Happy Customer,

Thanks for helping me speak, even if it was only for a bit, Appelesco.