The Elephant with the Yellow Paint

"I have a story for you, one of great distress,

A story of intense trauma, with an elephantine mistress.

It started with a date, with a girl who lived in a Savannah.

She said she owned two pets and that her name was Little Samantha.

The day of the date was a strange day for me,

I’ve never flown to Africa before to see a romantic sunset at sea.

There was a little confusion at the airport which banned me from further flights,

Somehow the officials could not understand I was on the way to Africa to take in more than the sights.

Or perhaps it was the gun that I left in my jacket sleeve,

I’m my defence I brought it to protect myself from threats at sea.

After three days at sea, and a lot of angry sailors,

I reached South Africa with a warrant for my arrest and a need for a tailor.

And there I saw the woman of my dreams,

These weren’t good ones but nightmares, as you’ll soon see.

For there was a small woman, standing with a can of yellow paint,

Next to a hairy elephant, that looked like it was about to faint.

Without saying a word, she drew the lined boundaries of tic tac toe,

On the side of the poor elephant that looked like it was about to blow.

The rules were simple, the stakes were high.

The loser gets shot and the winner lives through the night.

In fear I confess, I pulled out my illegitimate gun,

And walked in sombre silence and played till the setting sun.

The first two matches were mine, the next four were hers,

As the night grew close, I looked out for exits out of here.

As the last strike, she gave me a creepy smile, and wished me good luck in the next life,

And aimed her weapon at my head and asked me to count to five.

Jokes on her, because I did not know how to count,

And started reciting the values of Pi as she watched with a gaping mouth.

As I reached 3.1, I threw my gun right at the elephant's side,

Which made it rear up and knock little Samantha onto her stride.

It was an epic battle, in which the elephant escaped with its rider’s saddle,

Go, be free my dear elephant, the hairy victim of this morbid tic-tac-toe battle. As for me, I made a break for the Indian embassy, Willing to turn myself in as long as little Samantha can't get to me."